I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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