I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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