I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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