why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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