My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
