I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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