There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just invented taco cereal.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
