Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
