You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
