apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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