I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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