Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
