my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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