I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
