You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
