The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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