you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
