I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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