Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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