trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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