i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He better not be in your backpack
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
