Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
