omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
