My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
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I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
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Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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