i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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