Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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