You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
