She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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