When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
