Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
