I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
