just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
