Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
