Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
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I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
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Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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