My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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