after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
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When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
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My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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