quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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