Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
