she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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