My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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