When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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