you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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