you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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