you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
is wine microwaveable?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
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It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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