This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
