it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
