I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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