my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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