So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
