I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
