he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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