My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
