There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
