I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
