I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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