he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
